The Scolopendra Gigantea aka Giant Centipede

*3D rendering by Andrew Jirez.

Bugs. I’m officially through with you.

Last night we found another scolopendra gigantea, only this time it scurried its slimy self under the bed we sleep in, never to be found again. I jokingly told Steve it must be a glitch in the matrix. That didn’t keep me from sleeping with a light on and having the little bugger infiltrate my dreams. Just a fun fact, scolopendra gigantiea can climb a cave wall and while hanging on with its last section of legs, grab a bat in mid-flight and then devour it before you can say “scolopendra gigantea”.

To add insult to injury, I was driving to the store tonight (on a pitch black street mind you, PR isn’t big on street lamps) when some robust creature flew into my drivers window, smacked me on the shoulder and flitted around my neck. Had to wait a mile before there was ample light to quell my freak out. I don’t know whats worse, that I didn’t see anything or that I COULDN’T see anything. It’s there, just waiting…

Did I mention the 3/4” brown spot that still remains after being bit by some unknown insect? Yeah, that took 2 months to heal. Good times. I won’t even go into the mosquitos, thats just childs play, even with dengue fever and now “Chikungunya”. The name doesn’t really incite fear, more like something you’d order while visiting some upscale, low-country fad restaurant situated somewhere in “N’awlins”.

Yeah, so bugs listen up, I’ve had enough. I’d rather deal with the huntsman spiders in Australia than this entomologists dream, my nightmare. At least I know where I stand with the huntsman. They don’t hide under my bed or fly 45mph onto my shoulder on a dark street. They make eerie loud footsteps on your wall warning you of their presence and eat those disgusting palmetto bugs for you. They are very thoughtful that way.

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